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"The Perfect Life"
I want to get so rich I can live in the world's most expensive trailer,
dine on roast mink with gold sauce,
donate my organs to the Republican party,
and hire an illegal immigrant to write my column.
When somebody tells me to have a nice day,
I'll say "I have other plans."
I want a pair of elevator shoes that make me three inches shorter.
I'll go through the airport security carrying a black bowling ball
with "ACME BOMB COMPANY" painted on it.
I want to jump six feet straight up in the air
without bending my knees.
I want to know who dogs think about when they are having sex.
Does she know he thinks about the poodle down the street?
I want to write a country song
about backing over Old Yeller with my Rolls Royce.
I'd like to buy Nashville and fire all the people who said I was nuts.
That'll show 'em.
Here are some of my other dreams and ambitions:
To hypnotize a chicken and make it walk like a person.
To get a tattoo of a fly on my nose.
To make a rap record in a German accent.
To get back to my original weight... 7 pounds, 8 ounces.
To adopt an adult Korean.
To open a string of "Chicken In the Casket" restaurants.
To twist my neighbors dog into a balloon animal.
To play "Flight of the Bumblebee" on musical breast implants.
To spray WD-40 on a canary's perch.
To teach a squirrel to yodel.
To follow a police car and make him nervous.
To sing "My Way" to an imaginary ferret.
To get my elbows pierced,
so I can wear cufflinks with a short sleeved shirt.
And then, to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...
not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Copyright © August 15, 2006 by Jack Blanchard. All Rights Reserved.
Reprinted by permission.