"One Of My Strange Abilities"
One of my strange abilities is this:
I can stand or sit for long periods
giving no indication of being alive.
It’s sort of a self-imposed coma
I seem to use when I’m either thinking or bored.
When I was a department store Santa Claus,
I tried not to cough or blink
when anybody was around.
I knew from experience
they thought I was a life size Santa doll.
One lady had been browsing
through the Christmas candy and toys at my feet,
when I had moved a little.
She had almost had a heart attack,
so I wasn’t taking any more chances.
Another time, in another department store,
I was waiting at the bottom of an escalator
for Misty to return from shopping upstairs.
I was bored,
and drifted into one of my catatonic states.
I was wearing slim jeans,
cowboy boots and hat,
a denim shirt, and a leather vest
that was made for me at an Indian reservation
on one of our western tours.
A lady was looking at some dresses on my right,
and happened to glance in my direction.
She casually came over and examined me.
I knew what was up,
and came back to reality,
but I was afraid to move.
She reached out and felt the leather of my vest
between her thumb and fingers.
I guess my eyes moved in response to her familiarity.
She seemed to go into shock,
at the same time, levitating a few inches from the floor,
without bending her knees.
She put her hand over her heart,
like Fred Sanford having the big one,
and said this to me:
“Oh, my God! You’re alive! I’m SO sorry!”
I smiled and said,
“No problem.”
I was beginning to enjoy these weird episodes.
Is that sick or what?
So, if you happen to come to my funeral,
do me a favor...
Poke me a couple of times,
just to make sure.
© October 7, 2003 Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.
