"American Idol"
There were a bunch of reruns on tonight,
so we watched American Idol all the way through for the first time.
It was fascinating... like watching a traffic accident in slow motion.
Music as we know it is dead, folks, or at least in serious pain.
Here are some thoughts on the experience.
It was hard for me to tell why they rejected some and not others.
If you can sing the National Anthem to the tune of Flight of the Bumblebee,
you're a shoe-in.
Even better if you never get near a melody at all.
And the louder the better.
Several times I asked Misty if our boat was leaving.
I did feel a little sorry for some of the young rejects.
And why not?
They've been paying their dues for two or three whole months!
Some of the contestants were good kids,
and others were mental cases.
I guess you should win something
if you can attempt singing while having a seizure.
Simon is the snippiest guy on television.
He says things like this to the crushed hopefuls:
"Rubbish! Perfectly awful!
Just looking at you makes me throw up.
You caun't sing, you caun't dance, your shoes are ugly,
and so is your mother.
Even though I have no talent myself,
I enjoy humiliating you on national TV."
I didn't recognize any of the songs they assaulted.
I don't think the songwriters did either.
One girl was told that her music style was outdated.
She sounded just like the rest of them to me.
I'm probably outdated too.
One young dude said this:
"I'm going to sing a Leon Russell song
interpretated by Donny Hathaway".
(That's not a typo. He actually said "interpretated".)
I like Leon Russell and Donny Hathaway so I had a moment of hope.
The future superstar then took a deep breath,
flew into some kind of vocal spasm,
and they couldn't make him stop.
Paula called Simon an obscene name,
which was the best part of the show.
Copyright © January 24, 2007 by Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.
Reprinted by permission.
