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"Too Fast For Nude Leapfrog"

"You stink" is not constructive criticism.
I know I've used that line before.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME!

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell,
but I'm a sensitive person, you know.
If somebody shoots me a bird in traffic,
I have to pull over and cry it out.

I yelled at a Wal-Mart cashier today.
I said: "WHERE'S MY 'HAVE A NICE DAY'?
YOU GAVE ONE TO THE IDIOT AHEAD OF ME!
DON'T I MATTER ANYMORE?!"
She said: "Have a nice day".
I said: "Too late. I'm hurt."

On my birthday last year
an ex-friend told me I look ten years younger than my age.
I said, "Thank you".
I thought, "Only ten, you jerk?'

So you can see why it bothers me when someone criticizes our music.

We once had a promotion man who reported to us
every snotty little thing that was said about our recordings.
We fired him.
He asked why, and we told him this:
"Everybody says you're a lousy promoter."

I'm always anxious to hear how much you love our latest song,
but please stop there.
Don't say:
"I like your record,
but, the rhythm ought to approximate the beat of the human heart.",
or...
"It's too fast for nude leap frog".

We know our music is good.
That may not sound humble,
but it's "what we do".
I'm not handy around the house,
so don't ask me to fix your fly zipper... please.
I don't play golf, I don't jog,
and I never could hold a day job.
What's wrong with doing one thing well?
Like music.

There are record promoters who feature DJ feedback.
That might be okay for you,
but I'd go nuts!
Don't tell me who hates my work and why.
I have never in my life publicly criticized a DJ show,
or a record promoter.
Why should the artists get the unsanitary end of the stick?

It's not like I've ever gotten much bad feedback.
We get wonderful reviews,
and the DJ's are almost always very warm toward us.
I wonder why I keep thinking
that a "You stink" is just around the corner?
Is it paranoia?
Is it low self-esteem?
Is it lunch time?

I know I've used that line before, too.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME!

Copyright  Feb. 2, 2005, Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission.

 

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