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"The Ballad Of Slim Nozzle"
Slim Nozzle was a country singing star...
at least that's what he told people.
It wasn't a lie because Slim believed it.
He considered himself Outlaw Country
because he wore open-toed cowboy boots,
had a tattoo of Richard Nixon,
and wore his toupee on top of his cowboy hat.
His desire to be different
often made the little kids cry,
and he had to sell his horse
because it was afraid of him.
He was ugly as a stomped frog,
and seldom found the note he was trying to sing.
The only thing he didn't lack was confidence.
His talent was making other people think of him as a star...
people with money.
He was never short of financial backers.
When he released his first album
"Pearl's Before Swine"
no radio station would play it,
so he advertised it on late-night television,
and sold over a million.
His singing was so bad
the younger audience thought it was a new kind of music.
They called it Demon Rap.
The older folks had a suspicion that it was awful,
but it was on TV,
so they had to buy it.
He had just purchased an estate
with a hog shaped swimming pool,
a nine-hole golf course,
and a stable of rodeo horses,
when he accomplished his untimely death.
Early one April morning he was sneaking up on his new horse,
so it wouldn't get a look at him and panic,
when the animal turned its head around and saw him.
Its eyes went wide and buggy with fright, and it went berserk.
Slim was trampled flat,
and was slid under the bunkhouse door by a ranch hand
who thought it was an unattractive throw rug.
This was the best career move of his life.
The radio stations began playing recordings
of "The Late Great Slim Nozzle".
Other artists released "tribute" recordings.
And that just one of the million stories
in the music business.
And maybe the dumbest.
Copyright © August 3, 2005 by Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.