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The only way to be heard nowadays is to speak in sound bites.
They are short bumperstickerish thoughts
that only take up a few seconds of airtime on the evening news.
Ive even been quoted once or twice in Bill Millers Blue Chip Report.
Each time it was a sound bite.
I like being quoted,
so Ive scanned a bunch of my writings for interesting short statements.
Here are a few (Just tell em where you got it.):
* * *
Insane people have no sense of humor.
At least I like to think so.
I've been wondering if those Taliban guys get the jokes.
Do they ever have a good laugh
when they're not stabbing somebody?
"You stink!" is not constructive criticism.
If a person wants to be an Indian, it's his own business.
I'm planning to be a cowboy.
I always thought that the song:
"Hey, Mister Tallyman, tally me banana"
was in questionable taste.
I don't believe anybody is really doing anything
unless somebody, somewhere, thinks he's nuts.
Slogan: "Country music makes you sexy".
Never play hip-hop dance music for nudists.
Never yodel at a funeral.
Never approach a chicken with a crazy look.
My only relationship to big oil is the spot in my driveway.
One thing about computers:
They're keeping a lot of weirdoes off the streets
Bananas may be the perfect food.
Look at an ape.
People won't walk across the street to see a good-looking musician,
but they'll stop for an auto accident.
God believes we exist, so we probably do.
When we have a bad experience,
I blame the city where it happened.
The whole damn place.
Let them work it out.
If you want to see America, come on over,
but not to Disney World.
Start at Wal-Mart.
The old rules don't count,
and nobody knows what the new rules are.
The year 2002 spelled backwards is, of course, the same.
Spelled sideways, it is 0022,
pronounced: "Oh Oh! Tutu!",
an ancient warning that a ballet dancer was approaching.
I do occasionally take a plane
when my greed gets stronger than my fear.
I'm getting insulting "REMOVE ME." messages
from people I've never sent anything to.
I usually vote
for whomever I think will do me some good personally.
I know you don't do that.
I had a perfect record:
I never worked anyplace I could go back to.
They pass out condoms in high school.
I think that's about 16 years too late.
They talk in rhythm with a drum machine and call it music.
I know there may be someone in the world
who might even say a bad thing about me,
but I can't imagine why.
He liked my songs,
and I like that in a person.
My dog has psychosomatic fleas.
I'd like to invite them to my house to talk it over,
if they can find out where I live.
I am not now, nor have I ever been Mother Teresa.
Give My Remains to Broadway.
The small time abhors an original.
I plan to get a face-lift on my 90th birthday.
Some good ideas don't work right when you plug them in
I'm not capable of maintaining that level of humility.
Helmet makers offer us PROTECTION
from falling off our scooters.
A three-inch fall at 2 mph. is nothing to sneeze at!
Pharmaceutical companies draw our attention to pains
we may not have noticed.
Catnip is a mood altering substance,
and will probably become illegal.
We don't want our pets to be too happy.
Orlando is the lightning center of the known universe.
On Orlando TV they tell you to go into an "interior" room
and wait out the storm.
In a trailer, that would be the refrigerator.
A problem facing indie artists is how to make a living at it.
The people who live in banana republics;
Are they Banana Republicans?
I know this story is true because I was that ballerina.
Copyright © April 9, 2002 by Jack Blanchard. All rights reserved.