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"I May Never Act My Age"
I will never “act my age”
or “grow old gracefully”.
I will be a hip dude on my deathbed.
Come to think of it,
I don’t even own a deathbed
and I’m not going to buy one.
Unless maybe it's on sale at Big Lots.
I will continue to hold my stomach in around women and mirrors.
I refuse to cut off my longish hair.
I intend to lie about my age at every opportunity,-
and possibly even my height.
I will not grow gray
as long as they make "Just for Men" hair dye.
I'm allergic to it,
but my vanity overcomes the itching.
I will not buy larger jeans
even if I have to lie down and hold my breath
to zip them up.
Stretch jeans are cheating.
I hate it when I try to undo the top button on my pants
and I already did it!
I intend to whip myself into olympic shape any day now.
I plan to get a face-lift on my 90th birthday.
Maybe some kind of implants, too.
If my hands won't play the notes fast enough
I'll think of a slower trick to dazzle the audience.
I'll keep wearing shades because I think they’re cool
but not the huge wrap-around kind.
I will not think old.
I may even make jokes at the expense of old coots
who are probably younger than I am.
I will also make fun of young coots.
Equal Opportunity Ridicule.
I will delete all email forwarded "senior" jokes
without reading them.
I don't want all those ailments to get into my head.
I might start to believe them.
(Where was I? Oh, yeah.)
Some people are old all their lives.
I knew some geezers in high school.
They could hardly wait to wrinkle,
and be called Gramps.
Is all this a pathetic attempt at youth?
But at least it’s an attempt.
I don't feel old
and age is not going to get me without a fight.
Copyright © August 11, 2005 by Jack Blanchard.. All rights reserved.