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"I May Never Act My Age"

I will never “act my age” 
or “grow old gracefully”. 
I will be a hip dude on my deathbed. 

Come to think of it, 
I don’t even own a deathbed 
and I’m not going to buy one. 
Unless maybe it's on sale at Big Lots. 

I will continue to hold my stomach in around women and mirrors. 
I refuse to cut off my longish hair. 
I intend to lie about my age at every opportunity,- 
and possibly even my height. 

I will not grow gray 
as long as they make "Just for Men" hair dye. 
I'm allergic to it, 
but my vanity overcomes the itching. 

I will not buy larger jeans 
even if I have to lie down and hold my breath 
to zip them up. 
Stretch jeans are cheating. 
I hate it when I try to undo the top button on my pants 
and I already did it! 
I intend to whip myself into olympic shape any day now. 

I plan to get a face-lift on my 90th birthday. 
Maybe some kind of implants, too. 

If my hands won't play the notes fast enough 
I'll think of a slower trick to dazzle the audience. 
I'll keep wearing shades because I think they’re cool 
but not the huge wrap-around kind. 

I will not think old. 
I may even make jokes at the expense of old coots 
who are probably younger than I am. 
I will also make fun of young coots. 
Equal Opportunity Ridicule. 

I will delete all email forwarded "senior" jokes 
without reading them. 
I don't want all those ailments to get into my head. 
I might start to believe them. 

(Where was I? Oh, yeah.) 
Some people are old all their lives. 
I knew some geezers in high school. 
They could hardly wait to wrinkle, 
and be called Gramps. 

Is all this a pathetic attempt at youth? 
Maybe. 
But at least it’s an attempt. 

I don't feel old 
and age is not going to get me without a fight. 

Copyright © August 11, 2005 by Jack Blanchard.. All rights reserved.

 

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